Michelle Kaplan

TV GOD

Who said religion is down and out? One has only to enter the living room to see that worship is alive and well, and glowing.

Any given night of the week, I can tell you exactly where I might find you at 8 PM — watching television.
What is it about that box that we seem to have a complete love affair with?
It’s our universal pimp.

Over the course of one afternoon you can get just about anything you want or need from the tube. Right now, at this very moment, you’re just a remote click away from religion, news, politics, history, diet, exercise, books, sex and drama (as if there isn’t enough in your real life right now) all served up in a completely non-committed format. Don’t like what you see, or hear? Don’t agree? Cut ‘em off, change the channel. You can gauge your level of participation at will. Recently, I watched American Idol with a group of friends who were actually yelling at the TV. As if Simon could hear exactly what they think of his true talent…
My kids routinely sing along with the characters they watch. They like to yell back at Dora the Explorer, in Spanish. I don’t know what Dora is teaching them to say, but she is always telling them to say it louder. This could be the ultimate payback – A joke on parents who don’t supervise their children’s television habit or understand Spanish. Speaking of supervision, who the heck is supervising some of the gross things going on?
Channel surfing can be hazardous to your health when you’re cruising by and catch some tattooed guy eating an entire iguana, alive. I also love it when his partner has to gobble down intestines of some creature and then watch it come back up. Why do they call it Fear Factor, obviously these people have absolutely no healthy fear, instead it should be called, What in the F@$& Will You Eat?
Which brings us to cooking shows; it’s funny how we love to watch them, but hate to cook.
Who is actually standing in their kitchen with an apron yelling BAM? If it’s your spouse, grab a fire extinguisher and call 911, immediately.

What’s the deal with reality TV? Isn’t TV supposed to be an escape from reality?
I admit it I watch TV, but I’m a TV procrastinator. If I actually watched all that I plan to, I’d never leave the house. I love Court TV, talk about reality television. I am a little addicted to Parco P.I.

If you espouse to be a TV procrastinator, you must have the right equipment — TIVO. For those of you who have been living with the Amish, TIVO digitally records television. With this ingenious devise, one never has to miss their favorite TV shows again. Even if I forget, TIVO remembers. Then I can simply play them back at my convenience. Because of this, I know I can watch any show at any time therefore, I don’t watch it.
It has become just another form of procrastination for me. I never seem to be able to find the time. I literally have dozens of shows recorded, the oldest one being from July 22, 2007. However it is a comfort knowing it’s there, if I want it, right where I left it. One thing I’m a little leery of is that whole HDTV deal. Come the middle of June, the analog television signal that we’ve enjoyed for three generations will be cut off forever, rendering those of us without a television capable of carrying the digital signal, DTV, completely useless.

However according to the FCC Website:
“The transition schedule is subject to periodic review by the FCC and can be extended beyond 2006 if certain conditions relating to the number of consumers who can receive DTV signals are not met.”

Is it only me, or does anyone else care that somehow, as always, this is going to cost the consumer a lot of money? And for what? A clearer television picture? I’m sorry. I saw the whole HDTV display, the difference to me is negligible — not to mention, so unimportant.

I mean, if we’re going to all spend a lot of money and get together and do something as a whole country, couldn’t we come up with something a little more constructive than, “Hey, let’s all get clearer TV!”
I just think of those executives at Sony, Phillips, Toshiba, GE, Panasonic, Mitsubishi, Samsung, JVC, Hitachi, RCA and Zenith and many, many more, drooling with anticipation for all those new television sets they’re gonna sucker off to us.

Sorry, but I don’t get that picture.

By the way, National TV-Turnoff Week is September 20-26. For more information, http://www.tvturnoff.org.