Michelle Kaplan

Freedom is SO Free

The Fourth of July should have been celebrated with a bigger bang this year, because Americans love their freedom so much… we just want to slap a little on everyone. If you can’t earn your own, it’s ok… we’ll die trying to give you some.

I’m thinking of the soldiers in Iraq who should be home by now woofing down burgers, guzzling beer and telling war stories to their friends. It’s been a long five years.

But it’s ok.

If you want to know about earning real freedom, let’s ask Paris Hilton because, oh, my God, she spent a whole twenty-three days in the big house and damn it, she should know. I can’t wait for the book she pays someone to write about “Paris, Doing Time.” What should she call it? How I Survived the Cell Without My Cell. No, how about Prison is Hell: How I Survived Twenty-Three Days without Clubbing, Shopping and Prada. Of course, there has to be a follow-up book. She could have someone write a “how to” book for her. It could be called: Let’s Get Drunk and Total Our Really Expensive Cars and Go Car Shopping with a Hangover! – How Cool! Actually, she should stick to things she knows; a better book title for her would be: Hilton Head – It’s Not Just a Tourist Trap in South Carolina.

Maybe Paris should sit down with Nelson Mandela and have a little chat about real freedom.

A better example yet…someone out there who is celebrating this symbolic holiday of freedom like no other. Scooter Libby, who must be turning cartwheels and kissing ass big time. Since his appeal was rejected a few weeks ago, his friend George W. stepped in and commuted his sentence. Dubya must figure it can’t hurt his approval rating any to commute the sentence of a man who was convicted on four of five counts and sentenced to 30 months in a federal prison for obstruction of justice, perjury, and making false statements in the grand jury investigation into the CIA leak, or the Plame affair.

Maybe OJ Simpson can call old Scooter up for a tee time. They should have a lot to talk about and Scooter should have nothing but time on his hands since he was disbarred. Unless, of course, a well-connected friend can help him out on that front…hmm, I wonder.

If someone could write a book about “How I Got Off Easy,” it should be Donald Rumsfeld. In a suit that charged him with violations of the U.S. Constitution and international law prohibiting torture, cruel, inhuman and/or degrading punishment filed by the American Civil Liberties Union and Human Rights First on behalf of eight detainees who claimed that they were tortured by U.S forces, a federal judge dropped the lawsuit this past March citing that U.S. Government officials cannot be held personally responsible for actions committed while in office – WHAT? Yes, you read that right.

This kinda makes me feel all teary-eyed for Don Imus. He was made responsible for something he said – how unfair.

Maybe our president should just release Charles Manson; after all, he’s served a very long sentence and he’s high profile enough, but unfortunately he’s broke, so I guess he’ll keep banging the tin cup against his cage in the Gray Bar, not Hilton Hotel.