Michelle Kaplan

February 1, 2007 on 7:48 pm | In My Column | No Comments

Sometimes you’ve got to believe that things happen for a reason.

It’s figuring out the reason…that’s the tough part. As far as relationships go, I’d like to believe that people are put into your life for a purpose: either to teach you something, or for you to teach them something, or if you’re lucky, both.

Children are a good example. They’re put into your life as a sanity meter…a meter of strength, courage and fear. Pretty much a measure of how much you can take – and they don’t go away so easily either. If I know one thing, my kids are tough. For starters, there’s my first born, a girl, Emily, six going on forty-something. If you’re not sure how something goes, works, or what it should do, or what you should do, she’ll tell you, don’t worry. She’s a beautiful, bright, self-confident child and total drama queen, complete with rolling eyes. The girl can cry on cue. One day, I always say, Emmy will win an Emmy.

Then there’s my four-year-old, Joshua, who is energy on overload. I can’t tell what’s moving faster: his hands (into everything); his feet (climbing, jumping, flying); his mouth, (the kid never stops talking); or his head. (I can’t go there). I just can’t keep up with him. If my kids are tough, letting in someone else’s is tougher. I see this up close and personal every other weekend. I also see it among my divorced, friends rebuilding families, or to use the politically correct term, “blending” families. I call it BBS, Brady Bunch Syndrome.

Families, blended. It’s a surreal mix of personalities. First there’s the love of your life, your significant other, perfect (pretty much) in every way. You can see him in his children, and unfortunately, you can also see his ex looking you in the face across the breakfast table as well. Mind you, this goes both ways. It gives “know thy enemy” a whole new meaning. Into your world they come, these strangers, bringing with them the personality and attitudes and frankly, sometimes the unwanted opinions of that other person. It can be quiet unsettling.

There is no book, mantra or way of knowing the proper way to treat these familiar strangers in our house. There can be no pretending that we’re one big happy family. First, there’s really no such thing, Dorothy. Second, it takes time. Instant isn’t the answer here, contrary to our world of Google, microwaves and ATMs, maybe the friction comes because we expect the process to happen faster, or we’re impatient for this new family to just be.

But for it to just be, it must slowly grow, and this doesn’t come without growing pains. Finding out that you and your better half have different opinions, not just on raising children as far as rules go, but on children in general, is the first hurdle to jump. I was raised more in a house of what my parents said goes. If my parents bought a car, they bought a car. If we were allowed to go look, we went, without saying a word. My boyfriend believes that letting kids give their opinions on things is more the route to go. He said he would want the kid’s opinion because, after all, they’re going to be riding in the car. I’m more of a, we’ll-make-the-decision-and-let-you-know, school of thought. Then again, I’m also big on four words that I frequently use with kids, “None Of Your Business.” Partially because I think that giving kids power, or decision-making power although they say they want it, are truly terrified of it. In this case, car buying isn’t a good example. Also out of my own private nature, or paranoia, knowing that lurking in the wings is the ex, who is that stranger, who knows a little too much about my life.

But with blending come diversity, learning to share, patience and letting go. It takes courage to discipline his, and trust that he will discipline yours. It takes being fair, and being able to; when your child is wrong, defend the other. Whatever the trials and tribulations, I’ve noticed that there are moments of beauty. Such as seeing your children’s hearts open to this strange place…and actually watching them transverse it better than you do. You’d like to think it’s because you’ve taught them well, but most likely it’s because some people were put into this world to teach you something.