Michelle Kaplan

Claim Your Independence!

Ok, July 4th, or as we all know it, Independence Day. It’s a day of remembering what this country stands for. It’s a day to celebrate our freedom and, of course, commemorate the signing of the Declaration of
Independence.

But hey, let’s face it – it’s a day off and an excuse to do the picnic and parade thing, watch fireworks, eat watermelon and corn on the cob, drink warm beer and think about all the near future summer frolicking.
And although we have severed our dependence from England some 230 years ago, there seems to be even more things that we have come to be a little too dependent upon.

There are still people who use that little psycho buzz phrase, a communication problem or a failure to communicate.

Do these people live in the same world that I do?

I think the only communication problem is that there’s a little too much communicating going on. The other day, while with a friend at the movies as the lights dimmed and the screen began to flicker, I noticed it wasn’t really the screen that was glowing but the lady sitting in front of us who found the need to open and close her flip cell phone. It was literally driving me to complete distraction.

I think she was taking calls.

God forbid we leave the house without our cell phones. If you think heroine addicts have a problem, try to pry one of these suckers out of any soccer mom’s hand for a quiet afternoon and you’ll really see some fireworks. And for those of you who carry two cell phones, there’s no hope for you people. Please. That’s just sad. It’s bad enough that we’ve all deemed ourselves so important that we cannot be in the position of not being available.

Another annoying aspect of the cell phone is the way we use it to express our pseudo individuality by choosing freakish ring tones. Can’t you just picture some creepy person sitting on a bus when his cell phone rings with the Door’s “People are Strange.” This may be why public transportation is so un-cool.

The funny thing is, the popular culture is aiding and abetting this behavior. Seriously, has this happened to you? It goes something like this.

“Hey, I called you at home, but there was no answer. So, I called you on your cell phone and I couldn’t reach you either.”

I usually stop them at this point and ask them if they called my mommy too. She always seems to be able to find me…after all she is the Bevinator.

Yes, these are the people who actually get mad at you for not being available to them. I think this is some form of phono-co-dependency. And I do believe there is 12-step help available – Just call. If not, I use these two other equally successful techniques.

Question their intelligence; ask them, “Why do you think I wouldn’t answer YOUR call.” The quick ones will get your sarcasm right there. If they’re a little dimmer I go with the second, more direct approach.

The truth.

Look them in the eye and say, “Yes, I did not answer your call. I was ignoring you.” As a last resort I embarrass them. This one works great on relatives, especially the parents.

“Yes, I did see that you called the house phone and then three seconds later I did hear my cell phone ring as well. I really wanted to take your call,” you say in earnest. “However I was in the throes of passion and I’m not as flexible as I used to be and couldn’t reach the phone at the moment, so forgive me, I did miss your call.”

If they’re relatives, especially your parents, I can’t guarantee that they’ll never call you again, but they may think before they interrogate you. Here’s just a quickie list of things that we’ve become way too dependent on and would most likely have a problem going without for an entire day and for some an entire hour: Television, the Internet, cars, homeland security, (just checking to see if you’re paying attention.) ATMs, microwaves, email, coffee and my personal favorite, foreign oil.
Let’s declare our independence from dependency by giving up one this Fourth of July. Maybe experiencing a little quiet in your life will really set you free.